This week, the Buffalo Bills will name current Syracuse Football Coach Doug Marrone as their next Head Coach.
Doug seems like a good guy with a solid reputation and that’s why I’m going to help him try to not make the same mistakes as the long line of other fallen Bills Head Coaches.
When Doug Marrone goes down as one of the greatest Bills Coaches of all time, he’ll have this helpful list of Buffalo Head Coaching Do’s and Dont’s to thank:
DO wear a headset
It’s 2013 and there is absolutely no reason not to wear a headset. To say that you’re going to leave the game calling solely to your assistants is unacceptable. You’re already wearing one in the picture above, so we should be cool there.
DON’T be an arrogant A-hole
It’s important to believe in yourself and your philosophies, but please don’t come to Buffalo screaming and yelling how your scheme and your ideas are the greatest of all time. Please recognize that Buffalo is a city of hard working, friendly, honest people and we have the ability to sniff out an arrogant blowhard from a mile away.
DON’T allegedly get drunk and fall into a pond
As I looked for some of the stupid things Gregggggg Williams said when he first got to Buffalo, I came across this:
“But things also happened in Buffalo, things that happen to a lot of head coaches but nonetheless seem to rattle Williams to this day. Like the time right after he finally moved his family from Nashville a few months after taking the job. They had been in their home for two days when neighbors invited them to a party. Thinking it was the right thing to do, they went. Almost instantly, he recalled, he was besieged by fans who kept him pinned in a corner, burying the new coach of the Bills with questions. To demonstrate this, he got up from his desk at Redskins Park and thrust himself in the corner of his office between the refrigerator and a bookshelf.
In his hand, he said, he held a can of beer from which he insisted he took no more than about two sips. He stayed for close to three hours, never leaving the corner. Nonetheless, two days later on sports radio, he said, it was reported that he was drunk, embarrassed himself, got into a fight with his wife and fell into a nearby pond.” –Washington Post
We love our football in Buffalo and we like to talk about it at parties. We don’t mean any harm, we’re “The City of Good Neighbors” for crying out loud! We just love our football team and love talking about it even more.
DO let C.J. Spiller run the ball often
C.J. Spiller is an explosive force. He was absolutely electric in 2012, but for some reason the previous regime did not maximize his talents. Please don’t do this. Free CJ! He’s awesome.
DON’T appear as an emotionless corpse on the sideline
Anytime someone is comparing you to a corpse it can’t be a good thing. As our Head Coach you are the face of our franchise to the world. We are a proud, loyal people who like to see a little fire out of our leaders from time to time. Like this:
DO respect the past
The Bills have a rich and storied history. We LOVE our AFL Champion and Superbowl teams. Many of the franchise’s greatest players still live in the area. Make friends with them–they LOVE the Bills too and just want this team to win.
DON’T punt from inside in the opponent’s 35 yard line, ever!
The Bills hired you because they want you to lead this new “aggressive”, “forward thinking” chapter of the franchise. NEVER punt from inside the opponent’s 35 yard line. EVER! Either go for it or have a kicker on your roster that you have the confidence in to make a 50 yard field goal. In 2002, the Drew Bledsoe Bills punted from inside the 35 in a critical game against the Patriots. They went on to lose that game and went on a long losing streak that I don’t think we’ve ever recovered from. But to this day, our Head Coaches continue to punt from inside the opponent’s 35 yard line. Please know that if you go for it in this situation and don’t make it–you are NOT going to get fired. The Bills just did an exhaustive search for a new coach and you were chosen as their guy. Be bold.
DON’T quit on this city
Even though the fans might get angry, they will never quit on you if you don’t quit on them.
DO make the playoffs
It’s been a long, treacherous playoff drought in Buffalo. The only things we want are a Super Bowl and a Stanley Cup. Our hockey team has a bazillionaire owner, so we’re probably going to get that Stanley Cup. But, you are our ticket to a Lombardi. The only way to play in the Superbowl is to make the Playoffs. Help us get there. It’s been too long.
DO embrace the city and the fans
Buffalo is a proud city with a pesky inferiority complex. We don’t like when people make fun of our downtown or make tired jokes about out weather. We love our city and we know that there is no place better to live. You will never find more loyal or passionate fans than the good people of Buffalo. Get out and experience all the city has to offer. Have some fun here. Join the Bills Mafia. Talk to us on that twitter of yours. Respect and embrace us and we will respect and embrace you like no one else. Because we’re a small town, we’re not just a fanbase we are a fam-base–one big family of fans, players AND coaches.
You are part of our family now. Welcome.
Show Coach Marrone your support with this awesome shirt!