Kip’s Korner: 14 Years of Fun!

1999.

Do you remember 1999?

If you can, think back to what life was like way, way back in 1999.

Finally, we could all move on! That big party that Prince had been warning us about was over!  Frankly, I think “The Purple One” made too big of a deal out of New Year’s 1999. I remember being very bored until someone tried to walk on a frozen swimming pool.

Anyhow, 1999 is a key year for Bills fans because it was the last year that the Bills made the playoffs. That’s a 14 year absence from the post season. Only two other teams are in the double digits as far as years without making the playoffs, and they are the Browns (not exactly the measuring stick of the league) and the Raiders, who played in the Super Bowl the last time they made it into the second season.

What does this mean?  It means that as much as we love them, the Bills have done nothing of note for nearly 15 years. Kind of like Adam Sandler.

Yet, just like Sandler, we continue to line up in droves to see the Bills. We look back at Jim Kelly, Billy Madison, Thurman Thomas and Happy Gilmore and we cry out, “Maybe the good old days are coming back again!?”

Ask Bills rookies Robert Woods or Nickell Robey what they think about the Bills’ good old days. Both players were 7-years-old last time the Bills made the playoffs, and they were probably more focused on coloring books or the debut of Spongebob Squarepants than they were on football.

Spongebob wasn’t the only children’s TV character making a splash in 1999. After all, this was the year that Rev. Jerry Falwell controversially outed Teletubby Tinky Winky as a gay role model.

It may seem odd that something so benign could capture the nation’s attention, but this was 1999, and the information age was in it’s infancy. We relied on NBC’s Today Show, and the reporting in things called newspaper and magazines to drive our cultural dialog. There was no Twitter or Reddit back then. Even if there had been, you would have had a hard time navigating the modern Web on one of these state-of-the-art machines:

There was no social networking in 1999. Obviously, life was a struggle then. If you wanted to make an online profile, you used a web search like Excite.com to help you find a web host like GeoCities or Angelfire.

Now that we live in the future, we have much tinier, faster computers, and we spend all of our time staring at them, hoping someone will acknowledge us from the other side of the screen.

Cellphones weren’t a big deal in 1999. In fact, people still used pay phones. If they didn’t have a quarter or two, they dialed 10-10-220 at the insistence of Doug Flutie.

Popular music was still terrible in 1999 (Top songs included ‘Mambo No. 5,’ ‘Baby, One More Time’) but have we had a better year at the cinema since 1999? That year, we got “The Matrix,” “American Beauty,” “Fight Club,” “Office Space,” and “Magnolia.”  I know, how did Hollywood stay open without all the remakes and super hero movies?

Let’s talk about all the things that have debuted and ended since the Bills were last in the playoffs.

– The popularity of Nu Metal

– The popularity of MySpace.com

– Futurama (1999-2013)

– The ‘Saw’ franchise

– The performance fleece

So what is the point of this article?

Like the Bills efforts over the past 14 years, there is no big payoff.

It’s purely a diversion; something for you and your family to gather around in communion and celebrate regardless of how badly things end.

Go Bills!

Kip’s Korner: I Can Only Eat 97 Of Them

We can all wax nostalgic about our memories of the great Bills teams, but let’s be honest: If you are any younger than 30, you probably don’t remember too much on-field action from the Bills in that historic era of the early-1990s.

I can name you all the great players from that time and their key contributions, especially if I have my cellphone out. Sadly, I was only 7 when the Bills truly exploded in 1990. Distracted by cartoons and imaginary friends, I regret that I didn’t have the capacity to fully retain the greatness the Bills were exhibiting in that era.

Still, for 22 years, I have retained the knowledge that Cornelius Bennett could “only” eat 97 enormous, calorie-packed cheeseburgers, each with three beef patties and bacon. It’s his big line in this locally-targeted commercial:

This “97” number wasn’t just plucked out of the sky, it was Bennett’s jersey number, which takes the whole gag to another level of hilarity.

OK, well it doesn’t, but the commercial did reinforce Bennett’s burger eating capacity and jersey number into my young head.

This commercial was on a lot, and these two deeply-ingrained pieces of information helped make Cornelius Bennett one of my favorite Bills players, and in turn, pushed me further into Bills fandom.

And much like joining a cult or deciding to eat 97 CB Triples, it’s best to swear allegiance before you have the ability to really understand what’s going on.

This thing was less than $2? At least two cows and one pig went down in the making of one CB Triple. I know that this burger was introduced a while ago, but $1.99 seems ridiculously cheap for something of that magnitude. I’m sure I bugged my parents to get this for me, and now I don’t feel so bad knowing it was so cheap. Plus, it was the perfect lunch for a 7-year-old.

Also, it seems like a no-brainer to sell some type of a biscuit sandwich when it’s being promoted by a player nicknamed “The Biscuit,” but that would be the obvious route, in the way that Leonard “Hitman” Smith could actually help you find a real life hitman.

Clearly, supplanting the biscuit with a sesame seed bun was a diversionary tactic used by Bennett and McDonald’s to throw off opposing offenses and competing fast food chains.

I’m lovin’ it.

TKIG note: The CB Triple was named after Bennett’s accomplishments in this 1991 Monday Night Game in Miami where he recorded a Forced Fumble, a Sack, and a TD. I say this topic is near and dear to my heart since I ALSO loved the CB Triple. So much so that I “borrowed” the in-store poster (featured above) from the West Seneca McDonalds. I’m sure they don’t need it back. Good thing because, it is one of my most treasured pieces of Bills Memorabilia. Great work, Kip!

Christmas Shopping for Dolphins Fans

So what if EJ Manuel is hurt (again?!) this weekend? Thad “Say Cheese” Lewis has already beaten the Dolphins once this season.

I like Thad Lewis AND his winning smile. He plays like he has nothing to lose, which is truly the case for the Bills as they’ve failed to make the playoffs (again?!).

The Dolphins, on the other hand, are on a roll after a controversial and challenging season.

Do I really need to go over the Richie Incognito story? Too bad, I don’t want to explain the whole thing to you. Basically, some jerk (Incognito) was being a jerk to some dude and then a bunch of other jerks blabbed about it on ESPN for a few months.

It’s not really funny at all, but luckily Incognito’s appearance, as well as his name, are both hilarious.


This is actually a high-definition photo, Incognito is simply raging so rapidly that he appears as a blurry frightmare.

I’m just so glad that despite not being a winning franchise, the Bills are a high character team that would never welcome a violent, mouth breathing galoot like Incognito.

What the hell is that?

Ah, I forgot that a pudgier Richie used to be a Bill. He was briefly a member of the proud “T.O.” team of 2009. The memories! He blocked for Fred Jackson when Freddy ran for 212 yards against Indianapolis at The Ralph.

Thanks for the gift, Richie.

Speaking of gifts, it is the season for giving. I know that Dolphins fans don’t have many friends, but if you incidentally have one as your Secret Santa at work or something, here are some suggestions.

Perfect for when you’re watching the game at home or at the stadium, these Dolphins sunglasses protect your vision from all of the embarrassing and shameful action on the field.

Need to save some money for a big free agent acquisition? Why not go with the Miami Dolphins piggy bank.

Once you fill it up, you’ll have just enough money to land wildly disappointing free agents like Marc Columbo, Joey Porter and Jake Grove, whom the Dolphins awarded a 4-year, $29 million contract to in 2009. The injury-prone Grove started 10 of 12 games he dressed for and was cut in the offseason.

Giving a toothbrush to a Dolphins Fan is like giving a comb to a bald guy.


How about a pair of stylish gloves for that not-so-special Dolphins fan? Isotoners are ideal for protecting your hands while you restitch a new player’s name onto your Reggie Bush and Brandon Marshall jerseys.

Isotoners will also protect your fingers from jamming the off button on your TV remote control when Jairus Byrd rips off an interception…

Or when Mario Williams crushes Tannehill for a sack…


Or when viewing old footage of three time Buffalo Nightlife Magazine R&B guitar player of the year Jeff Nixon picking up a fumble and nabbing three interceptions in one game against the Dolphins like a total bad ass.

Happy Holidays from Kip’s Korner and The Kick Is Good!

A Jag Rag for your tears

As the Bills continue their late season, should-have-been-easy-wins tour of Florida, they stumble into Jacksonville.

Like the Bills, the Jags are 4-9, but unlike the Bills, Jacksonville is on a hot streak.

Don’t dance too hard, pal.

The Jaguars broke into the league in 1995, and by 1996 they were knocking the Bills out of the playoffs in Jim Kelly’s last game. Ouch.

The team was shockingly successful in the late 90s, in part because they used actual jaguars to maul their opponents, as depicted in this disturbing and questionable piece of art:

The Jaguars lost their focus over the past 5 years.


Over that period of time, the most popular player among Jags fans has been Tim Tebow, a guy who has never played for the team.

Some people really wanted Tim Tebow to end up in Jacksonville. The former Florida Gators quarterback was once considered a dreamboat-deity in the region.

But Tebow never made it it to the Jaguars. This guy was so mad about it that he cooked his hat.

It seemed totally logical for two dimwits from Florida like the Jaguars and Tebow to shack up this season, but it never happened.

I think I know why after discovering this shocking evidence in my research:

Tim Tebow completely ignored his coach’s orders and then nearly gave the Jaguars the ball twice. The Jaguars clearly noticed what a dolt Tebow was and refused to sign him.

I wonder if that guy wishes he had his hat back now!


Wow. The Jag Rag? This was some guy’s answer to the Steeler’s Terrible Towel, and he couldn’t have picked a better name. Unfortunately, the Jag Rag was not absorbent enough to dry up all of the the tears that Jaguars fans would cry.

Wait, did I say Jags fans?

Where are the Jags fans? Were they spoiled by the team’s early success? They used to act like a bunch of psychos back then:

It’s not like that anymore. This year’s Jaguars started the season with seven straight losses. Granted, they are 4-1 since the end of October, but the ice cold Bills are the perfect team to spoil the Jaguars party if history tells us anything. Bad things just happen to the Jags.

Why do the Jaguars use such a slick football?

Here it goes again. Whoopsie!

Even after wiping the ball off with a Jag Rag, Jacksonville still struggles to get the job done. Look at this heartbreaker against the Indianapolis Colts.

Perhaps less consequential but just as embarrassing, witness this: one of the McCowns glitching out and celebrating a first down that never happened.

But what about the children? The Jaguars have been so bad that children have literally tried to feed themselves headfirst to a gruesome stadium statue with the most boring name ever, “Touchdown.”


Did he survive? Yes, but it yet was another pitiful episode in Jaguars history.


The Discomforting Wink of Buccaneer Bruce

Last season, I declared that “Ram It!,” the 1980’s St. Louis Rams (then the LA Rams) theme song, was “the superior team rap song of the 1980s.”

This claim remains unchallenged, even when introducing this long forgotten Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle hymn into the equation.

Why do I feel like I’m having a bucket of sand poured into my ear when listening to this?

“We’re Buccaneers!” sounds like it was performed by a chorus of sea cows who binged on tranquilizer darts after listening to the bridge from Dio’s “Hungry For Heaven” for 72 hours straight.


Dio – “Hungry For Heaven” by steavis

The lyrics don’t really inspire confidence, either.

“No one else could make the claim, no one else could stand the strain. No one else could take our name unless they take the blame. We’re Buccaneers!”

Taking the blame is all it takes to take your name? Damn. And yet, no one is willing to take the blame for the endless sins the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have committed against football since joining the NFL in 1976.

Why would they? The Bucs are the East Coast Raiders in so many ways: The piratey team name and mascot, the maddening inconsistency and the comical list of cornball quarterbacks.

The only real difference is that Raiders fans are diehards and Bucs fans don’t exist.


I go through the painful process of digging around the underbelly of the Internet for funny videos and pictures of the Bills opponents to help fill out these stories every week.

Some teams, like the Jets and the Steelers, are ripe with content not just because they are bad, but because their fans are passionate. These fans are creative on behalf of the teams that inspire them, even if those teams are inspiring parody or ridicule.

Bucs supporters just don’t seem to care. Following the Bucs is fine and all, but it can be a real distraction from all that gatorin,’ sunnin,’ and gettin’ arrested that the locals are privy to.

Although the Bucs are playing better now with Mike Glennon behind center, this season has been an epic disaster. A MRSA outbreak struck the team in October. There was the whole Josh Freeman thing. And the team totally hates their new tough guy coach.

Meanwhile, Revis Island has become as frightening and intimidating for opponents as Gullah Gullah Island.


Just look at that logo. Stare at “Buccaneer Bruce’s” eye and cower in fear.

Why is that creep winking at me? It seems as if he was slyly telling opponents, “Don’t worry, I’ll let you win.”

Why Mike Kenn needs to have a drink

After a team-best five year run of winning seasons, the Falcons are back to their old miserable ways in 2013. With a 2-9 record, the Falcons are already eliminated from the playoffs, the first team this season to receive that dubious honor. This wasn’t what Falcons fans were expecting. After winning their division by 6 games last year, the Falcons have been hobbled by key injuries, unfruitful acquisitions and bad quarterback play by Matt Ryan on the road.


The Falcons gave Ryan a $103.75 million contract this summer. The boring Ryan has a barrenness in his eyes that I have only seen in the likes of Clippy the Microsoft paperclip.


I can only imagine why the Falcons are so eager to sign this harmless preppy as their permanent signal caller. Could it be they want someone who isn’t likely to make any unpleasant news?

If you’re new to the NFL, the idea of the Falcons perpetually stinking is probably uncharted territory for you. Before Ryan and Michael Vick, though, there were quarterbacks like Doug Johnson, Chris Chandler, June Jones and yes, Dick Shiner.

The team has never had a player inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in it’s nearly 50 year history. Nor have the Falcons had a league MVP, rookie of the year, season passing leader or season scoring leader.

Their only record holder of note is Mike Kenn, a tackle who played 17 bewildering seasons for the Falcons. He played in more losing games than any player in NFL history besides Sean Landeta, who played 22 seasons, but he was a punter. Kenn had to face brutal punishment in losing efforts for nearly 20 years, which is why he sits at this bar and drinks now. Don’t ask him to leave.

The Falcons have consistently lost game changing talent. Brett Favre, Andre Rison, Chris Doleman and Deion Sanders all flew the coup out of Atlanta before catching on big elsewhere.

So it is obvious. The excitement we saw in the Vick era and the winning we’ve seen in the Ryan era are in fact the anomalies. Unlike their namesake, these Falcons were not built to fly.

A Pukey Green Pale of Jealousy

This week, the Buffalo Bills are playing a group called the Jets.

The Jets are a family band from Minneapolis. The young members of the Wolfgramm family had their first hit with 1986’s “Crush On You,” which they still play (rarely) after touchdowns.


The Jets have spent their recent years playing small venues and corporate events. They also moonlight in professional sports as the New York Jets, who play tackle football in the National Football League.
Sort of.

All kidding aside, the Jets are just plain funny. Sure, they have two more wins than the Bills this season, but no Jets fan in his right mind is feeling confident at 5-4.

Can you believe that the Jets 27-20 win over the Bills on Sept. 22 was their most decisive victory of the season? That’s right, every other Jets’ win has been by a margin of less than one touchdown, often in dramatic, very non-Jets like fashion.
The Jets faithful have seen this movie before. With the intermission of Jets bye week behind us, here’s footage of what the rest of the Jet’s season is bound to look like:


We’ve watched the Jets win some unexpected games, but, as always with the Jets, it will just be a matter of time until the other shoe drops.
And when someone drops a shoe, Rex Ryan gets distracted.

Look, I love an underdog, but I don’t care that the Jets are playing past their means. This is still the nasty old New York Jets team that consistently talks a big game yet rarely backs it up. They are also historically thuggish, as seen in this video of a Jets coach tripping a Dolphins player along the sidelines.

Come on guys, it’s just a game. No need to take it that far. At least Jets fans know how to maintain their dignity.

Never mind that. Jets fans have no class personally or academically. A simple YouTube search for “Jets fans” yield dozens of embarrassing videos. Indeed, the pukey green pale of jealousy and masochism never ceases to cover “Gang Green Nation,” or whatever their fans call themselves.

Fighting in the stands is never a good idea, but these Bills fans in the nosebleeds of MetLife Stadium do their best against a horde of green goons.

Male on female violence? Jets fans have you covered there.

This is not looking good, but there has to be hope for future generations of Jets fans?


Nope.

The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Doink, Dink, Pink and Wink

The Pittsburgh Steelers are terrible!

I know, it seems unbelievable to say, but with only three wins, the Buffalo Bills are a superior team to the Steelers. What kind of alternative universe are we living in? This seems nearly impossible to me, although my perspective may be unique. I was raised in the Southern Tier of Western New York along the Pennsylvania border, where fancy Steelers fans pompously wipe pirogi residue off their chins with Terrible Towels while laughing at us leprous Bills fans. As a result, I will never be able to get this stupid song out of my head.

I also spent some of my early youth living in West Virginia, which is unwittingly part of Steelers country, although I’m not sure most West Virginians can find Pittsburgh (or their own hometowns) on a map. This was during the Neil O’Donnell-Kordell Stewart era of the mid-1990s, which resulted in a Super Bowl birth in 1996. I kind of liked the Steelers back then. In the time since, the Steelers have gone back to the big game twice, winning it both times. The Steelers have been one of the biggest success stories in sports over the past century, which makes the team’s present failures as satisfying to watch as this compilation of buildings imploding.

Things started to crumble last season, when the 8-8 Steelers failed to make the playoffs for the first time since 2009. The team was probably better than their record, considering they lost a record six contests on the last play of the game. This year, the Steelers are definitely as bad as their 2-6 record. They sit at the bottom of a lousy division after getting clubbered by the New England Patriots last week.

The team that was once known for having the toughest run defense in the league now lets league punching bag Jay Cutler run willy-nilly down the field before running over one of their players.

You know, it wasn’t so long ago when the Steelers offensive line was so feared that the monstrous Big Show and multi-time world champion Chris Jericho cowered away from them.

Now, I’m almost certain that the combination of Doink, Dink, Pink and Wink could have a sack fest on Ben Roethlisberger, complete with an audible “Whoopie Cushion” finisher to end the game.

The Steelers are now a team without hope. Their most popular player is more well-known for his Captain Caveman haircut than his playing ability.

As the Steelers past glory continues to be buried by time, it’s almost a certainty that Troy Polamalu’s success on the field will one day be forgotten. Instead, this once great player will be remembered as the coverboy of Ted Nugent’s Amboy Dukes “Tooth Fang & Claw” album.


Kip’s Korner: The Kansas City Fashion Show

Everyone knows the deal with this year’s Kansas City Chiefs. They are undefeated, but they have yet to play a real contender. And they won’t play a contender this weekend either against the Bills. But, that’s no reason to think that the Bills can’t win this game! The Chiefs defense is a powerhouse, but their offense just idles downhill until the fourth quarter expires each Sunday. So far, it’s been working for them, but even Chiefs fans seem to realize that their is something not quite right about their winning ways.

This will be the sixth Bills-Chiefs match up in six seasons, with the Bills winning four of the last five. This includes last years 35-17 drubbing at The Ralph and 2011’s 41-7 facemelter in Kansas City.

Unfortunately for the Bills, these are a whole new Chiefs. They have a new coach…

And another San Francisco 49ers reject quarterback to bring their hopes up before it all comes crashing down like Tyson Jackson’s pants.

The most recent honor anyone on the Chiefs has won that mattered at all was Elvis Grbac’s 1998 People Magazine “Sexiest Athlete Alive” award, which Grbac received in error (I mean just look at him).

Apparently the photographer was supposed to shoot pictures of Rich Gannon, but the magazine switched gears and changed their selection when all they had were photos of Grbac’s goofy mug and ramen noodle mullet.This kind of silliness is consistent throughout the Chiefs’ history. Take the case of Chiefs cornerback Eric Berry, who is very scared of horses and does not fool with them.

Chiefs fans are known as some of the loudest in the entire league, especially when it comes to booing. Here they are warming up to boo the Chiefs by booing the Eli Young Band’s botched “National Anthem.”

But wait, these fans can cheer, too! Chiefs fans are featured in this news story for inundating former quarterback Matt Cassell with cheers. Too bad the elation was for Cassell getting knocked out of the game.

That’s class!

You know, Kansas City is not known as a fashion mecca like Paris or New York, but maybe it should be. Look at the stylish headwear Chiefs fans have been sporting over the past decade:

Our first model looks terrific with his modified arrowhead face, complete with tear of sadness and palm on face. Great choice.

Next up is a simple design that also includes nose and mouth holes which help facilitate nose blowing and alcohol consumption, along with $5 sunglasses to protect the eyes from barbecue sauce splatter (a common issue at Chiefs games). Well done.


You have to give it up to Mr. Big Sad Face, who wears his season ticket holder stickers with the opposite of pride year after year. God, that bag must smell!

Kip’s Korner: Mike Ditka in Dreadlocks

You can’t argue about the impact Drew Brees has had on the Saints. He’s brought legitimacy to the franchise. Prior to his arrival, the Saints only had one reasonable signal caller in their history, and he’s more famous for his offspring than his winning percentage.

The list of quarterbacks to wear the fleur-de-lis along with Archie Manning and Brees is ridiculous. You have guys like Danny Wuerffel, who nearly shocked the league by completing the “Backwards Man” play.

Speaking of backwards, check out Aaron Brooks, the man who has thrown more touchdowns for the Saints than anyone not named “Drew Brees.” This wasn’t one of them.

Hey, not everyone loves Aaron Brooks, but at least Kyle Turley had his back when the Jets were giving him the business.

What about Bobby Hebert (the “H” is silent)?

Bobby played for many embarrassing Saints teams, and he has continued to embarrass himself years into retirement.

The Saints don’t only have a history of bad quarterbacks, they probably have the record for most bad rap anthems of any team in the league. Everyone from the Ying Yang Twins to K. Gates to Choppa to Big Zack to Mike Bleed has a Saints song. Yes, I said Mike Bleed!


It wasn’t long ago when nobody would want to make a song about the Saints. Nobody but team owner Tom Benson, who did the “Benson Boogie” while the crowd watched. Why hasn’t Ralph ever done anything like this?

Benson Boogie

Benson was desperate to push the Saints over the hump when he sprung for head coach Mike Ditka in 1997.
Ditka traded all of the team’s 1999 draft picks and their first round pick in 2000 to move up in the draft and secure running back Ricky Williams. Ditka was out of New Orleans in 1999, Williams was gone in 2001, and the trade is considered one of the worst ever in the history of anything that ever happened.

For years it seems like nothing could go right for the Saints, no matter how promising things were looking. Consider this play known as the “River City Relay” and the following kick.


To clarify, the Saints completed one the the greatest desperation touchdowns ever to go down by one point against the Jacksonville Jaguars. All they had to do was make the extra point, but he Saints’ed the kick.

New Orleans fans, be honest with yourselves.

Drew Brees is your only hope, and you know that he can’t play forever. The clock is ticking, and when he finally hangs up the cleats, who will you ever find to replace him under center?

Good solution.